Every Saturday morning I try to visit my mother for breakfast and for a talk. Last Saturday, she said that this morning her neighbor did not greet her the way she always did. She had her own perception of the reason why her neighbor acted that way. We discussed the issue and this conversation reminded me how easily we may cause misunderstandings in our relationships with our families, friends or colleagues. It wouldn’t be fair to say that pondering unnecessary and troublesome issues and making wrong comments in critical moments are not characteristics of the Turkish culture only. We humans in general have a tendency to believe that we can read people’s minds simply by looking at a facial expression or focusing on a word. I would like to share a relevant anecdote on this topic.
A long long time ago, I had the privilege to meet Paul Watzlawick in California Palo Alto, where I lived for 12 years. Paul’s advice on how to be unhappy gives the best (humorous) reflection of such moments of belief.

The story of the hammer:
A man wants to hang a painting on the wall. He has got nails, but no hammer. And his neighbor has got a hammer. So the man decides to borrow the neighbor’s hammer. Rethinking his decision, the man has some doubts: What if the neighbor does not want to lend the hammer? Just yesterday he seemed to be a little superficial in the way he greeted our man. Perhaps he was in a hurry. But perhaps he pretended that he was in a hurry. Perhaps he had negative feelings about our man. But why? Our man did nothing wrong to him. So our man is in delusion. If someone asked him to lend a tool, he would do it immediately. What wouldn’t his neighbor? How can anyone refuse such a simple request? Guys like him make one’s life miserable. And then they believe that you are just so much dependent on him. Now, our man has really lost his patience. In a fury, he goes to his neighbor’s apartment and knocks the door. Even before the neighbor finds the chance to say ‘Good morning’, our man yells at him: “Just keep the hammer, you vulgar, rude man!”

Misunderstandings can easily occur even among the people who belong to the same culture or speaking the same language. And now imagine, how a conversation between people from different cultures, speaking different languages could result in. Here, I’d like to share a story of a friend, the late Mr. John D. Tumpane, a light hearted story on this topic.

AFIYET OLSUN

“An American booked passage on a White Boat traveling from Istanbul to all the ports-of-call around the coast of Turkey – the Dardanelles, Troy, Izmir, Ephesus, Bodrum, Antalya, Tarsus and Iskenderun. He was assigned a table in the dining room with a very distinguished white-haired old Turkish gentleman. When they met at dinner the first night, the old man bowed and said, “Afiyet Olsun.”

The American assumed the Turk was introducing himself, so he said,”Bill Anderson.”

They ate in silence.

The next morning at the breakfast table it was the same thing again – “Afiyet Olsun.” “Bill Anderson” – and for every meal thereafter.

After a few days on the boat, the American met a Turkish couple who spoke English, so he asked them about the Turkish custom of introducing oneself every time one sat down to eat.

“Why, we don’t have any such custom,” said the Turkish lady. “What did he say his name was?”

“Afiyet Olsun.”

“Oh,” she laughed, “that only means ‘Good Appetite.’”

Well! the American was so pleased to learn the meaning of the Turkish expression he could hardly wait to use it at dinner that night.

“Afiyet Olsun,” he said, bowing deeply to the Turkish gentleman.

“Bill Anderson,” said the old man politely.

– John D. Tumpane